The other day, I was thinking about my kids and their children like I do every day. I was wondering why I didn’t remember all the cute and not so cute little tidbits they did as toddlers; just a few popped up and made me smile. Yet, I see my grand children so cute, so full of funny little remarks, funny faces, little butt moves and big snuggles, keeping the world entertained every minute of the day. There are so many things you miss while being a mother in the midst of diapers, feedings, and tantrums; engulfed in the lack-of-sleep-haziness and self doubt of not being good enough or knowing enough to be responsible for little human beings.
You can read a whole ton of books and theories published on the subject; but once you have a child, it’s your FIRST time - you are training on the job, and every child is different! As I used to tell my kids “Eh guys, give me a break this is my first time being a mother!”
There are times when you make mistakes: you over react to something or accept the story of one and scold the other who was not the guilty party at all, you personally lose it and need to get out to cool off, and there are times when a crisis pops up. Type of crisis: one crying his heart out because his sister who was chasing after him ripped her toe nail under the door he had just closed not to get caught. A hide and seek game which slipped into an accident. Both screaming, chocking, one with a nail tore off her tiny big toe and the other in emotional pain because he is feeling so bad to have hurt his sister. The dog is there alerted by the screams or is it the blood? I am in Thunder Bay
There is not ONE book in that ton of parenting publications which will tell you about that eventuality…. And this is not the time to start looking either!
I was not the type to call my husband at work crying for help every time a crisis happened. So it is true that as the only adult around, you have to react the best you can and take charge; you have to fight your fears, your insecurities in order to bring comfort, security and love to your children and also try to have every crisis situation become a learning experience for all concerned. Mama has to put shoes on Katy, and Katy and Derek should not play with doors! Accidents do happen, there needs not to put blame on any one; emotions are already high enough without bringing in anger and judgment. If there is one thing I learned, is that unfair punishment or judgment is remembered forever by children, right into their adulthood. However careful you may be, you’re bound to make mistakes: as I said no one is perfect.
Some children react well to stress, others panic. I was lucky as a parent that Derek even when he was very young could go into positive action mode under stress. I found that if I stayed calm, spoke slowly he was the greatest helper I could ever have hoped for!
Which brings me to another crisis: this time we are in Frobisher Bay (now Iqaluit), Derek is 5 ½, Katy is 2 or around there. We have only been in Frobisher Bay for about 2 months or so. It is about 9:00 in the morning, it is -20°C outside, inside I am working in pyjamas, the kids playing nicely in pyjamas, laundry day, I am picking up sheets off the floor to bring them to the machine and ….one of my finger gets caught on the door frame… a splinter has entered my finger under the nail past the nail bed to the second phalanx and I actually have to break the wood chip to get free from the frame. Deep breaths… stay calm and think before alerting the kids. The pain is unreal; makes me remember that this was used as torture in the 1940’s!
We are going to have to get to the hospital to get this thing taken out; the kids have to come with me and they can’t get out in the cold in pyjamas; they have to get in their snow suits; I have to get dressed; everyone has to put boots on…. A plan is getting formed, more breaths, stay calm…I call the hospital to get a car sent to go there (one of the privileges of being a doctor’s wife at the time!) I call Derek who was as I said 5 1/2 at the time and tell him as calmly as I can but also letting him know that there is urgency: “Derek mommy is hurt; look at that piece of wood in there, it really, really hurts and I can’t get it out; I need to go to the hospital to have it removed and cleaned. I can’t get you dressed in your snow suit and I can’t get Katy in her snow suit. Can you go and get them and bring them in here.” The little guy goes and gets snow suits, scarves and mitts… I still see him with his blond hair, serious, super attentive action mode… He spreads them out and coaxes his little sister who was more Miss Contrary than anything at the time, and he dresses her with soothing words, “Katy, you have to let me get you dressed OK? You can keep your pyjamas under the snow suit OK? Mommy is hurt and we have to go to the hospital OK?” and Katy who used to fight me every time I tried to get her dressed was letting herself be dressed in her snowsuit by her big brother “Ok, Dewek”. He gets dressed, I get dressed; he gets my boots and helps me with them just as the car arrives. I am still so, so, ever so impressed by the calm and gentleness of my Number One son that day! He still has that touch, I see it with his parenting, how gentle he is with his boys, and how his boys revere him.
Every day there is something new when you parent, every day quick decisions have to be taken, whether they be for small accidents, quarrels, education, discipline, food, safety, behaviour, games, activities … but they are all decisions which must fit in to the bigger picture, they need to be consistent with each other. That means they cannot be swayed by the emotions of the moment, especially negative emotions.
So all those tons of publications on parenting philosophies, some of which haven’t even been tested on one whole generation but yet promise the perfect child at the end, I don’t believe in them…. I think there is not one perfect parenting technique, one perfect parent or one perfect child. But the one thing I think I learned which is best for parenting is to stay calm, not allow the negative emotions of the moment to invade you. To me, that’s the best parenting technique around. If you take the time to breath, count to ten, relax then you will hear your child, assess the situation and be consistent with your limits, advice and discipline; there is no doubt that it is the hardest thing for a parent to do. And maybe it is when you pass that time calming down; removing yourself emotionally from the situation; planning the most efficient solution that your brain gets swiped clean of so many of the cute memories, the moves, the words and big snuggles who knows …?
Of course it could also be the age I have reached which causes “senior’s moments” as my 60+ sister-in-law N. calls them, or “brain farts” as 30+ J. calls them.
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