I had a spiritual awakening!

The other day I read my daughter’s blog and had a spiritual awakening! She had inserted a video of Bren Brown giving a talk about vulnerability. You can find it on Katy’s “mamabeing.blogspot.com.” or on Facebook where it is posted. I would put that video here, but am not enough of a computer wiz  to do it...Macooo has her limitations!

In my life I went through a period where I lost myself, lost my values, lost my spontaneity, changed so much I had a hard time recognizing myself… I knew I wasn’t the same person but could not get out of it. I felt numb going through the motions not really feeling joys or pains, feeling like an imposter in a life which was no longer really mine to live. That was after the death of my sister Marie Anne. I went awry; abused alcohol and the good life to the detriment of my marriage and my children.

In her speech, Bren Brown talks about vulnerability being on the one hand “the core of shame, fear and struggle for worthiness”; but on the other hand being “the birth place of joy, creativity, belonging, and love”. That if a person wants to numb vulnerability in order not to feel pain, rejection, struggles or whatever vulnerability brings; in the process you also numb the potential of joys, belonging, creativity and love.

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After Marie Anne died I said I changed. Many times I wondered what happened to me. Even though at the time of the accident and her death I did cry and I could feel that pain actually I was numbed by it.  The thing is that I stayed numb! I had to be strong for my parents, I had to be strong for her husband and especially for the children who were only 6 and 8 years old, plus I had to be strong for my children.

You know, when you are young and full of life you think you are invincible, that bad things only happen to others. But when she died, I knew what it was to be vulnerable. No one is protected from their destiny. Vulnerability SUCKS!! I built a wall. No one was again going to make me feel that kind of pain! When I looked at the video, it reminded me of what I did: I didn't want to feel that pain, therefore I also desensitized myself from feeling joy, a sense of belonging and right to happiness. I became invincible. Went into politics, I could win or I could lose because the real pain was not going to touch me. I viewed it as becoming strong, an achiever to make Marie Anne live on since she truly had always believed in me. I detached myself from people who loved me, like my husband, my marriage, my children. I could help people, they needed my strength, I could make them laugh… I numbed the pain with booze, preferred short term relationships or unattainable relationships to sound ones…I didn’t need to invest myself or take a risk …now it comes all in perspective.

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Many years have passed by where I have always wondered why I couldn’t cry, or so little it has no healing effect. Why I couldn't laugh to tear as I used to. Why my laugh felt so hollow? My father died, I nursed my brother to his death with no tears. I would even say that I escaped from the pain by incongruous means like trying hats in a supermarket, being a clown so I wouldn't see my mother cry! Being a clown, yes, hidden behind that mask making people forget their worries and grief, hinding my own behind the mask...the grinning untouchable mask!

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Last year I was in a depression and went to a psychologist. It was to deal with my relationship with my mother who is 94 , the changing roles, seeing her deteriorate in front of my very eyes, that pain that I shouldn’t feel since I was invincible. Close to the end of the sessions, feeling already much more in control,  I told him I also wanted to grieve my sister’s death. He asked when she died and I told him “30 years ago”, as any good psychologist would do he said “hmm, hmm it is never too late” and planned the next few sessions to work on it. THIRTY years later, feeling very safe with him, I dared going through the process of grieving, “de faire mon deuil” as they say in French! I was SO afraid of that sorrow, of that pain of losing her again, I didn’t want to lose her again or for ever! …During that session I felt as if a huge house had been lifted off my shoulders; neck pains magically relieved as I peaked under that shroud of bricks. I didn’t feel any pain when the brick wall fell apart; I only felt relief, deep relief, a certain lightness, love and comfort. My sister actually more present in my memories than she ever had been in thirty years.

                                   

That video I saw two days ago made me realize the process I went through. I knew I had changed, I knew I couldn’t cry and felt that my laugh sounded hollow. But now I know that by numbing the pain I also numbed so many of the joys.

I also need to say though that during that time of invincibility I did achieve many things that I am proud of because I had lost the fear of failure, I had much more (fake) self confidence - even if I felt like an imposter when people complimented me on my successes. I’ll never regret those successes; my confidence may actually lose its fake aspect but it is there now; I will probably eventually truly appreciate those successes of mine and appreciate the person I am as I should, with my strengths and my weaknesses.

Cheers everyone,

Macooo